Day one of HRT.
Well, hmm. I don’t have boobs. I guess it’s not magic. Dumb.
They need to get to work on magic breasteses pills. Is that how you spell breasteses? Meh.
It’s my blog, I’ll do what I want.
So, I had a few things on my mind today but first on the list: boys are weird. I seriously don’t get them, don’t really like 99% of them and I have never related to them whatsoever but I ran into probably the weirdest today.
He was hitting on a girl and doing so, apparently, by regaling her with his fantasies about amputating all his limbs and replacing them with robotic limbs. Both the nerdiest and most fetishistic thing I’ve heard in a single sentence. She was… of course, polite. She didn’t seem to be unhappy or bothered by him. She laughed and gave him some wicked side eye before going back to what she was doing.
I don’t think his gambit paid off. But, I was trying not to laugh. So I had to move on.
This was while I was waiting for my HRT. Sort of a strange “Guess what, boys are creepy and totally oblivious to how they sound” moment.
The HRT is interesting. Like I said, I don’t have magic boobs yet but… I do feel something. I’m not sure how to describe it. I want to, but… I still feel like me. It’s just…
Look, maybe it’s just placebo from finally getting to this stage, maybe it’s just me finally feeling like I’m on my way, maybe it’s just a positive turn; I don’t know. But, I feel optimistic. It’s really not a sensation I’m used to. I’m a diehard pessimist. The glass is, at best 3/8th full at any given time.
But today… ellipses… It feels at least 5/8th.
And I didn’t feel that way this morning, or when I got them, or even an hour after I took the first one. This just started in the last couple hours. Hard to say. But I happen to know that estrogen elevation has a correlation with feelings of wellbeing and reduced anxiety. So… hard to say.
That’s the pessimist in me. But that’s such a huge thing for me. Yesterday I was basically expecting to find out the pills were $10,000 and for the pharmacist to give me a stern talking to.
Actually, she was great. She got me coupons and the lady didn’t even lecture me. I told her the doctor had just the day before gone over it all with me so she just sent me on my way.
Oh… that brings me to the other thing I was going to talk about.
Feeling like the other.
This is a subject I think I’m going to dedicate a major blog post to with research and citation and the whole big ugly. But, until then, I want to make some comments about what this feeling does to me.
Since I’m socially on the outside and can see all the social ingroupness – a word I just augmented incorrectly – I feel very complex about people today. On the one hand I’m noticing a number of social advantages to ingroup behavior that benefit me, in a roundabout way even though I’m on the outside but I’m also feeling jealous of people that have that in their lives.
Church goers, people in clubs, die hard liberals… that sort of thing.
I don’t really have that. I’m a liberal, yes, but I don’t have the social connection most do - associated with my liberalness. Liberality? Whatever.
I just wonder if once I pass (that is to say blend as a female, not – ‘away’ as in perish) if I’ll find that. I will be attending a support group soon. Perhaps that will help. We’ll see.
To close, a micro poem I posted a few days ago to twitter.
Land we used to love.
Land of push and shove.
Hate with a crucifix.
Stone and sticks.
Killing for kicks.